Welcome to the Rock Report Card! I’m Nate and I’ll be your guide during this magical musical tour, a place where you’ll find the reviews and rants about bands and CDs you’re interested in. I’ll be reviewing old music, new music, and any kind of music that comes my way. No genre is safe from my nitpicking: I’ll focus on rock, rap, country, and whatever subcategories arise (the name is simply there because alliteration is cool).
The CDs I review will be graded much like tests, and I will be serving as the ornery sixty-year old teacher who judges harshly because she’s ashamed of her pathetic personal life. I will grade each CD on five categories, equally worth 20 points a piece. The categories are as follows:
1.) Replayability: Although the Microsoft Word spellcheck does not accept replayability as a word (although I’m not putting too much stock in that, as it doesn’t accept spellcheck either), it will be used here to represent the ability of a CD to endure continuous playing without becoming boring. A CD that can stay in your player for weeks without tiring itself out will get a high score, whereas a CD that stayed in your player for about five minutes before you yanked it out and hid it under the futon, never to be heard again, will get the lowest rating.
2.) Music: Yes, this is all music. What this category is referring to is the actual music of the record: the guitar, the drums, the cowbell, everything. Music that grabs the listener’s attention and instills good feelings will get a higher score while music that either sounds uninspired or untalented will get a lower score. Note that this does not mean there has to be blazing guitar riffs on every song or a stomach-splitting four minute drum solo; it just has to be music that sets the tone of the song well.
3.) Lyrics: As important as the music, the lyrics sang or said have the power to change someone’s life. They also have the power to deplete a person’s IQ points. The key to this rating is two-part: a CD can get a high score in this category if it is filled with artistic and flowing lyrics that are poetically charged with deep meaning and significance, or it can also get a high score if it has simple and accessible, yet effective lyrics. An example of this would be the song “Something I Can Never Have,” where Trent Reznor’s simple repetition of “You make this all go away/I’m down to just one thing/And I’m starting to scare myself,” may not have made Shakespeare proud, but it does drive the song’s point and wonderfully illustrates the song’s struggle. Simple is not always good, however, and lyrics like “You make me blue/what can I do/I miss you/Oooh baby oooh” will get a considerably lower rating.
4.) Completeness: This category is a reflection on the album as a whole rather than a collection of ten to fourteen songs. A well-made CD has the power to take the listener on a ride for almost an hour, using each track as the next stop on the trip and in the process creating one whole product. The biggest sign of a complete CD is simply that you don’t find yourself skipping any of the tracks after listening to it a few times. You may have favorite songs on the CD, but it is the songs that aren’t your favorite that help earn the completeness rating.
5.) Emotional Pull: This is the way that the CD plays with your emotions and makes you feel for each song. A CD with a powerful emotional pull will leave the listener feeling different after listening to it: this is part of what I meant when I said that lyrics have the power to change someone’s life. The CD, if the lyrics and music are done correctly, can alter a person’s view on music and other things. A lower score in this category would indicate that the listener heard the CD and came away from it without a single thought except for “Hey, is 24 on yet? Jack Bauer is soooo cool.”
So, after these five categories have been graded and tallied up, the total of the five will make the final score, which for those of you who have been out of school for awhile means it will be rated out of 100. Then I will take the score, slap a college grade on it, and publish it for you wonderful people to see so you know what CD’s are worth hearing.
Now, as for anything of this nature, it is necessary to make a disclaimer regarding my opinions and views. They are my own, and just because I find a CD great or atrocious does not necessarily mean that anyone else will find them as such. However, this is my report card, these are my rules, and these are my grades. And since I’m something of a smart guy who knows his stuff, I suggest you take my suggestions.
I am open to making reviews on CDs or bands by request: just shoot me an email at rockreportcard@hotmail.com, and I’ll put one up whenever I get around to listening to the CD and forming my opinions. I am going to start this site by reviewing some bands that may not have the spotlight shined so directly on them and then branch out to whatever CD I’ve heard that I want to comment on. This is all subject to change, of course, but for now you’ll just have to wait until my first review comes out.
Band: Evans Blue
CD: The Melody and the Energetic Nature of Volume
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